Am I retarded??

Okay, someone seriously has to help me out! I can't figure out what the heck I'm doing with this thing. I tried to change my template/layout...and I don't know how to make it do what I want. I ends up being some mismatched version of two different templates. I see all these neat things on other peoples pages and I have NO IDEA how to do it. And unfortunately I don't have the time to sit around forever trying to figure it out on my own. Soooo....who wants to give me a lesson in customizing my blog??? I'm sure everyone would benefit from it so they don't have to look at this atrocious mess of a blog I've got right now!!